FREEBIRD!

If you hear us yelling "Freebird" during kareoke, it is because we think you suck.

A history of FREEBIRD!!!

Pulling a C.B./The C.B. Rule

So often in our sordid little burg, we come across individuals that we've already...er....cum across. Rising and falling in amplitude waves of activity...most of us have a flurry of activity before going dormant and/or getting married. Either way, you're on and then off of the market unless you end up one of those freaks that falls in love and enjoys a steady, monogamous relationship. There's a word for you people: boring! But I digress....

If you do fall into the category that most of us populate, we sometimes find ourselves in the presence of past conquests. This has happened to us all, but in my humble experience, no one holds a candle to my friend and cohort, C.B.

Now, C.B. can be Chrissy Snow sometimes and has a voracious sexual appetite, so putting them together is a recipe for hilarity. Let's get down to the rules so that you can point them out to your friends the next time it happens to you:

"Pulling a C.B.":
If you're so forgetful that you roll up on somebody with the full-intention of getting into their pants, and put out your "A Game" and end up getting shut down because the recipient has to remind you that you ALREADY SLEPT TOGETHER AND HOW DARE YOU NOT REMEMBER THEM, then you, my friend, have "pulled a C.B."

Ultimate response if this happens to you, and the poor slob is offended:
"At least you were cute enough to hit on twice. If you're lucky it may happen a third time, but don't count on it."
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"The C.B. Rule":
If you find yourself scanning the busy bar like a terminator (complete with red laser scope shooting out of your brown third eye) and end up having to abort because "so & so is here" and

a) You've already slept with that person, then no worries.

b) If you do it and there's two or more, then you're perfectly normal.

c) If you scan and you're up to three, then you're a stud and may want to make like New Edition and "Cool it now".

d) If you scan and you're up to four, then you may want get some frozen peas (but not from that crazy bitch at the liquor store next door) shove them down your pants and perhaps take in a movie, write a sonnet, or even attend the opera.

e) If you scan the bar and there are 5 people there that you've slept with, then you just broke the C.B. rule, and you have to leave. You've done all that you can do. Get a new bar or switch teams.

C.B rule exceptions:

a) If it was a 3 way, it only counts as one person, unless you slept with each member of the menage-et-tois separately at another time. This rule is the same if it's a 4 way or 5 way, ad nauseum. By the way, if that is case, find either myself or Scott immediately and tell us all about it in graphic detail, unless of course we're one of the 5, then don't bother as we already have video footage.

b) Mouth sex doesn't count if you're measuring the others by butt sex. If you're measuring everybody by mouth sex then move to a new city, you're done here.

c) If you just got there and didn't realize that you broke the rule you have two drinks to wait out the offending parties. If they leave, you're golden. If not, then pack it in, the party's over.

Just like the rules to Hearts, different rules and exceptions vary from group to group and from location to location. I'm real curious for your spin on the C.B. rules and Pulling a C.B. Please post your suggestions in the comments.

Pulling Together

It never ceases to amaze me how tight the group in the Fruit Loop can be.

We look out for our own (and bag on them at the same time).

So Friday night, some crack head decides to swipe a stack of bills from the tip jar. In most places that would ellicit a look of surprise and not much else.

NOT IN MY BAR!

After Team Brutal Poodle realized what was going on we sprung into action! I'm talking a bar stool clearing chase through the streets of Long Beach after a cracked out tip stealer. I'm not sure but I swear that no less than 10 people ran outside to back up the doorman and bar back and we were taking names!

Sure, most of us are out of shape, and it took a few minutes to catch up to the youngins but it was well worth the jog. YES, we got the $39 back.

Two of our more (shall we say) tan Loopers had some odd wonder twin thing going on and I swear they both got blacker than Nell Carter on acid.

Black-u-twin powers ACTIVATE!



Form of Martha Wash!
Shape of a nappy weave!

I've never seen necks pop quite like that and I think one of my friends had to wear a neck halo for the rest of the weekend but it was truly worth it.

Word to the wise....if you hear the phrase "OH HELLLLL NO!" anywhere near you....DUCK!!!

Shoes will be thrown, earrings will come off and you will get a hurt put on you like you ain't never seen.


Moral of the story:

"I lost my buzz for 39 bucks".

Networking

So aside from being a darn good place to have an adult libation, the Fruit Loop ™ is also a hub of networking activity.

Deals have been made, songs have been sung, romance has flourished all in the confines of the Brutal Poodle ©. No matter what it is you may need in life, somebody there either has it or knows someone who can get it for you.

Need to find a long lost loved one? Talk to Thom over in the corner.
Need to find a lost pet? Talk to Scott and Jim, they can help.
Need legal help? Talk to Rudy and set up an appointment, he can probably assist.
Need to find a fender for a 52 Buick? Talk to Lee, he knows where to find it.
Need to sell a house? Throw a piece of ice in any direction in the bar, you’re apt to hit a realtor. (I’m not sure exactly how the Brutal Poodle© became a real estate bar but for some reason it has).
Need an expert witness on “toe tapping”? PEOPLE KNOW!

The moral of the story is this: The Brutal Poodle is better than the yellow pages.

Failure to communicate

Hey wanna see somethin' funny? Type "Failure" into the google search box...heh heh heh.

Boozy Laundry

Ask any average Joe how they feel about laundry and you'll get a generally negative response, running the gamut from "meh" to "I absolutely can't fucking stand it and I'd rather buy new underwear than do laundry".

What's the solution to this necessary evil? What's the solution to most things? Why, copious amounts of alcohol, of course. Pick a random week day. If I do laundry during the week, I do it on a Tuesday because it's two-for-one, and you'll end up with more quarters for the dryer (and a HUGE buzz).
Now, a couple of things to keep in mind: You can only park on the lot WHILE YOU ARE DOING LAUNDRY. Don't put a basket on your seat and think you can go party all night, your shit will get towed. Buli dat. But, while your stuff is washing or drying (or you're folding), you're fine, so no worries.

So throw your clothes in the washer. Set your watch. Ok, no one wears a watch anymore, just check your cell phone. 20 minutes is just enough time to enjoy a smart adult beverage. Soooooooo, walk next door, then go put your clothes in the dryer, then go have 2 more cocktails, then go fold your clothes. You may go for the bonus round as a reward for being finished after you fold, but don't forget about the parking situation. That would doubly suck, because you'd have no car, and all your clean clothes would be locked inside it. To recap:





1) Put clothes in wash

2) go have 1 drink

3) Put clothes in Dryer

4) Go have 2 drinks

5) Fold clothes

For an extra bonus round of fun in suds, go do your laundry on a weekend day. If you ask Scooter extra nice, he'll let you fold your clothes at the bar, provided you're

a) legal

b) drinking

c) cute

Hell, the Poodle's cleaner than the laundry mat, and you can show off those new undies while watching "Dance Naked" and doing shots. Talk about embracing a necessary evil....

Primary/Back-up/Once in a while/Shot drinks

Whenever I go into the poodle, I am usually greeted by the Bartender who nearly 100% of the time begins to make me a Scotch & Water. Even still, you may have wanted to start with a single malt to to get right before you resort to well scotch.



Even still, 98% of the time, that's perfect and you take what he makes you and you're grateful, but every great once in a while, you want something different.



My back up drink is beer, for instance.


But how do you stop the bartender from making your primary drink in a polite manner?

Is one obligated to take the drink poured by the Bartender as not to incur their wrath?

Is it really alcohol abuse?

If a Scotch is poured on a bar, but no one is around to drink it, does it make a hound?


Once a week, I ask Scooter to make me a bloody mary for two very good reasons:


1) He can tell by the look on my face if I'd like a Scotch, a Bloody Mary, a Beer, or the almight shot of Tuoca. He's just that good. He knows by my greeting, my smile (or lack thereof), etc. I've never seen someone so in touch with my inner drunk.

2) I'm breathing. Seriously - he knows because I've told him that he's the only one in the city (now that Jordan's retired) that can make a Bloody Mary the way that IIIIIIIIIIII like them. Spicy enough to kill, vodka enough to drunken. Perfect combination.




Then, of course, there's the shot. Mine just so happens to be Tuoca. Others may take a dip in the healing glow of Scottie Water.







Whatever it is, I've hopefully establishing a pattern and wonder if the same is true for everybody?

Do we each have a:

a) Primary Drink?

b) Back-up Drink?

c) Once-in-a-while Drink?

d) Shot?

If so, I think we should name it. Our drinking repertoire needs a catchy name, worthy of being born at the Poodle.

Suggestions?

Prof.