Wednesday, September 28, 2005

Pulling a C.B./The C.B. Rule

So often in our sordid little burg, we come across individuals that we've already...er....cum across. Rising and falling in amplitude waves of activity...most of us have a flurry of activity before going dormant and/or getting married. Either way, you're on and then off of the market unless you end up one of those freaks that falls in love and enjoys a steady, monogamous relationship. There's a word for you people: boring! But I digress....

If you do fall into the category that most of us populate, we sometimes find ourselves in the presence of past conquests. This has happened to us all, but in my humble experience, no one holds a candle to my friend and cohort, C.B.

Now, C.B. can be Chrissy Snow sometimes and has a voracious sexual appetite, so putting them together is a recipe for hilarity. Let's get down to the rules so that you can point them out to your friends the next time it happens to you:

"Pulling a C.B.":
If you're so forgetful that you roll up on somebody with the full-intention of getting into their pants, and put out your "A Game" and end up getting shut down because the recipient has to remind you that you ALREADY SLEPT TOGETHER AND HOW DARE YOU NOT REMEMBER THEM, then you, my friend, have "pulled a C.B."

Ultimate response if this happens to you, and the poor slob is offended:
"At least you were cute enough to hit on twice. If you're lucky it may happen a third time, but don't count on it."
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"The C.B. Rule":
If you find yourself scanning the busy bar like a terminator (complete with red laser scope shooting out of your brown third eye) and end up having to abort because "so & so is here" and

a) You've already slept with that person, then no worries.

b) If you do it and there's two or more, then you're perfectly normal.

c) If you scan and you're up to three, then you're a stud and may want to make like New Edition and "Cool it now".

d) If you scan and you're up to four, then you may want get some frozen peas (but not from that crazy bitch at the liquor store next door) shove them down your pants and perhaps take in a movie, write a sonnet, or even attend the opera.

e) If you scan the bar and there are 5 people there that you've slept with, then you just broke the C.B. rule, and you have to leave. You've done all that you can do. Get a new bar or switch teams.

C.B rule exceptions:

a) If it was a 3 way, it only counts as one person, unless you slept with each member of the menage-et-tois separately at another time. This rule is the same if it's a 4 way or 5 way, ad nauseum. By the way, if that is case, find either myself or Scott immediately and tell us all about it in graphic detail, unless of course we're one of the 5, then don't bother as we already have video footage.

b) Mouth sex doesn't count if you're measuring the others by butt sex. If you're measuring everybody by mouth sex then move to a new city, you're done here.

c) If you just got there and didn't realize that you broke the rule you have two drinks to wait out the offending parties. If they leave, you're golden. If not, then pack it in, the party's over.

Just like the rules to Hearts, different rules and exceptions vary from group to group and from location to location. I'm real curious for your spin on the C.B. rules and Pulling a C.B. Please post your suggestions in the comments.